nana- in search... - Waiting

It is the third day
I am missing my cute rider
I havent heard frm him since

I dont know why but i seem to long for him more
I am getting disinterested with diver
maybe because he doesn pay me enough attention
he is too bz with work
i am bored
he didn even sms me as much as before
that makes me wonder where i stand
i also wonder- could i be cheated by him?
or he is just plain bz

i dont know
i hope God would guide me
the naive gullible me
I wanna see the man who is right for me.

somehow deep inside,
i miss the attention i used to get from butches
from them,
i get enough or rather more than enough attention and love
i wish such relationship is not haram
and i wont even bother going out with men
with butches,
i have all the love in the world that i need.
they would give me all the care and hugs i want
they would pacify me when im sad or sulk
they would hold my hand when i am having menses cramps
they would make hot drinks for me
they would look into my eyes and tell me how much they love me
oh how i missed my gay life
it is so perfect
the time when i fell for a super cute butch who loves me just as much
but we have never been able to be together...

I am lonely
is this how life is like with men?
boring and plain