nana- in search...

post break up blues

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 15:28:29 GMT

The title is clear enuf of what i am feelin now.

Fixing a broken heart

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 04:09:04 GMT

that was my favourite song back back then

Life now is so different
solo shopping
solo cab rides
solo expeditures

Used to have my ever so faithful gf

but now i have taken a path to lead a hetero life

missed her, but i have to do this
i wanna be a het.
i wanna get married
and bear children
no matter how scary it would be.

my dilemma now,
who and when would that moment be
should i be with the rider or the diver
two really gorgeous men
i am spoilt for choices

should i leave for new zealand next year?
with the diver?
or go on my own?
i feel safe with him along
but what if i would like to settle with the rider?

reminiscence of candy empire

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 16:32:09 GMT

Just returned from candy empire @millenia walk.

As i walked down the mall,
thousand and one memories flashed back in my head.
it was like evry single that happened last week,
is happening again this week.
I could possible every thing that was said and done there.

Walking past the men's shop,
saw the pink lil flowered shirt.
The one that i thought of buying for him
I reely loved that shirt.
So sweet yet masculine.
I passed by, stared at the gorgeous shirt
and wished that its him whos walking next to me.
When we entered CANDY EMPIRE,
i felt like as if my heart is like a glass
that fell right from the sky to the ground.
I dont know.
it breaks my heart into tiny lil pieces.
I was shattered, when I looked at the mini cheezels box.
It is his favourite.
I almost bought that, thinkin maybe i shud give him when we meet..
But i paused.
What makes me so sure he will meet me.
and so i walked....

Bought boxes of chocs for colleagues who had helped me for
the Fashion Show last june.
Spent abt $50 ++
well, its worth buying for them.
without them i wouldn have survived the show.
Gratitude to them..

Left the place
with a heavy heart.
Throughout my outing,
I kept thinking abt him.
I feel lost and empty
HOLLOW.
Kept wondering what is happening
and what have i done
Why am i treated this way.
I am lucky to have my friend who went out with me.
She is reely nice
treated me to fisherman wharf
shes nice, very nice
i wished she was him

This is what i am confused abt.
why cant guys treat me as beautifully as how these girls treat me.
they totally care for me
they dun ignore me
they are sweet towards me.
and best part- they always try to make me happy.

Sigh.
If only being gay isn forbidden......

Disappointment

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 08:17:07 GMT

"hope things are fine for u there. Im not sure whats actually goin on. im fine if u are not goin to keep in touch, but be clear to me. I'll apreciate that."

Text him a short note.
It been 2 hours- no reply
i just wished he could say it to me outright

he promised to call 2 days ago,
till now,
no news fr him.

i hate to be in the dark
feelin lost and with no direction

Ya Allah
Pls help me out here.
Show me the path
The path that u have laid for me
lead and guide me to the path that u have decided upon
let your choice be my choice too
I am feeling low.

at this point,
where i have made an effort
an enormous effort
to be a better person
i have to be hurt by a person that promises a glimph of hope
i just want to be happy.
and i would like to be with a person
who will make me LOVE you more when i love him

tired

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 16:58:23 GMT

I am tired.
PHYSICALLY.
MENTALLY.
EMOTIONALLY.
i'm drained.

I was telling a colleague in the car-
I am actually exhausted.
But I saw myself pushing harder and harder
to achieve so many things
Is it pleasure that I am feeling?
or is it the "make it up" rebounce, cus I have been missing out a lot on these things for almost 6 years.
I realised i have been so out of touch when i was attached then
yes, i was loved and protected
but nutting abt my passion was fulfilled

Now when i am seeing diver
he is giving me way too much time

or is it bcause outta boredom
i am like this
is it because outta depressed/stressed
i am like this

why?
why?

just now rider text me
to say hi darling

so sweet.....

wish i could have more to that.

still waiting for God to answer my prayer

If U have got rainbow stories,
i have it too.

I was a Rainbow.

Waiting

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 14:17:29 GMT

It is the third day
I am missing my cute rider
I havent heard frm him since

I dont know why but i seem to long for him more
I am getting disinterested with diver
maybe because he doesn pay me enough attention
he is too bz with work
i am bored
he didn even sms me as much as before
that makes me wonder where i stand
i also wonder- could i be cheated by him?
or he is just plain bz

i dont know
i hope God would guide me
the naive gullible me
I wanna see the man who is right for me.

somehow deep inside,
i miss the attention i used to get from butches
from them,
i get enough or rather more than enough attention and love
i wish such relationship is not haram
and i wont even bother going out with men
with butches,
i have all the love in the world that i need.
they would give me all the care and hugs i want
they would pacify me when im sad or sulk
they would hold my hand when i am having menses cramps
they would make hot drinks for me
they would look into my eyes and tell me how much they love me
oh how i missed my gay life
it is so perfect
the time when i fell for a super cute butch who loves me just as much
but we have never been able to be together...

I am lonely
is this how life is like with men?
boring and plain

Let me know!

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 14:08:15 GMT

View Poll: The Choice

He's dancing again!

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 10:58:32 GMT

My rider is making a comeback
He's dancing again
Is it because of the message I sent that encourages him to return?
I wonder why

I am delighted
but confused at the same time
I am having two really gorgeous guys waiting for me
How long should I let them wait

I love both
One is a Man.
Who is strong willed, insensitive, etc u name it
The other is
A man too.
He is the opposite
An artist who is gentle, soft spoken, sensitive

I love both
but i cant have both
I dont know which is better for me
I could not see which one would i be living my life with
and why.

I want to be happy
with a family
But i will be unhappy to let go of one
why do i always have to be in a triangle?
why do i always have to choose?
why cant i just meet one and devote to one?

i wana be like my best friend
just meet one guy who loves her
and dont have to bother choosing
its been 5 years of their dating
next yr to tie the knot

why cant i be just like that?

i want to move on without hesitation

if i were to pick rider,
what will hapen to my diver?
we have made plans to go overseas
he is going to accompany me there
he is going to sacrifice many things and just be there
for me.
he'll work and provide me a study life that i will be comfortable in
how nice and how lucky can i get??
if i were to pick diver
what will happen to my rider?
he's my long lost love
someone whom i first fell for
the first guy i fell for after 9 years of without affection for a man
he'll be the guy whos able to guide me to be a solehah wife
he'll be a great friend
for me to talk to and share my probs
someone who understands
what i am going thru and listens attentively
he knows how to soften my heart
i love him

both sides has their strengths
and both has their weaknesses
so tough
too tough for me to make a selection

should i do istikharah prayer
to ask Allah for guidance?

but im afraid to see
what i will be dreaming of

i know i will only see one face
that God would like me to select
I am afraid
i will only see one face
and not the other

i am going to miss the face that does not appear
oh god
pls help me

Confused

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 07:03:17 GMT

Sitting in my humble colorful cubicle
I am surfin

I am still confused
over too many things

I really wonder.

Debut Fashion Show

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 07:14:22 GMT

Teaser.

Soft dark red velvet
taking up the role to shield the rebellious vulnerable within.
Strutting in the suit of struggling to defend or break away.
An uncertain boundary to explore.
Conventionalize the thought provoking teaser, anyone?

My statement for my first design.
I love the deconstructed look of the jacket.
How I loved the way it looked on Mas.
She carried it off so well!

I will put up some pics when it is ready.

What is good for me

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 07:07:33 GMT

It is amazing how certain things happen.
I wish I could at least sense when the question is going to pop.
Today,
he has popped the question to me.
I was not ready.
Totally un-ready.
I am only keen to pursue my studies next year.

The other day,
another question was popped by the rider.
I was not aware.
I took it so lightly.
Although I really liked him.

He was the one who has contributed in the fliiping of the COIN!
i really wished he knew that he's the one.
Well,
i don't know if it is too late.
Heard he has open up his options to others
Maybe he felt,
it is not worth waiting for a girl like me who took him so lightly.
Sigh, i didnt mean it that way.
Only God knows how nervous I was.
I simply do not know how to react but to play it cool
and there u go...
i have missed you.

I dont know what i should do now.
The man that I am in love with
seems to give others chances to win his heart
while the other one is giving himself to me,
wanting to be and taking care of me.

I am confused.
The doa that God has fulfilled for me,
which is to show me whats good for me...
has led to 4 guys in a row.
Expressing their feelings..
Somehow I wonder,
was it really the Doa or
I was just being oblivious all this while?

Whatever it is,
I am still going to pray to God,
for guidance.

To show me again
what is good for me.

Virgin Entry

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 15:49:17 GMT

Just like an entrance to my home,
I shall begin my Journal with Bismillah and Assalamualaikum.

I have been blogging in various sites
and this definitely is nothing new.
I would blog about feelings, art, people, disasters etc

Eversince the particular signiificant day,
when I felt God,
I decided to change my contents.

I am in the midst of leaving my past behind
I do turn back and look at it
Feeling sad and missing the moments,
i wish i could bring it along with me.
During my difficult moments now,
I wish i could just turn back and renew my history
I was happy then,
contented with what I have got.
Life was easier.
However,
i wanna lead a life as a true Muslim
And I know, i have got to leave it

I am now
In the beautiful process of cleansing my soul
Looking ahead and looking forward to what God has in store for me
Anticipating the miracles in life
Witnessing the happy moments of receiving new lives
Crying for the lost, sufferings and grievances of the innocents around the world
Embracing the fact that I am finally walking on a cleaner track.

Every prayer performed
is accompanied with a sincere doa
Oh God,
please grant the ones I love and loves me an eternal happiness, shelter and contentment.

Up till today,
I am still smiling to the reminiscence of
my wish being granted
To recall,
I think that day is my most Beautiful Day
I felt Reborn.

If only I could share this moment with everyone.
But, when I think about it...
I wouldnt want to tarnish my pure reformed.
I wouldnt want anyone to fabricate it.
They may not have evil intentions, but
I rather keep it.
That should always be a secret embedded deep within me.

Sarah is the only one I told to.
I wish I could tell another who cared to know.
But i could not bring myself to let him know
I am worried of the outcome
Thousand and one thoughts approached me
And finally,
I decided.. i will again bury it...

Life is so different now
And I am still struggling to understand it
I know this will be a journey
that is not going to be easy
I could feel it coming
But, i will brave the turbulence
with the help of the Almighty

I would document the experiences i encounter in this soft diary
An updates too maybe, should there be any art exhibitions I am coming up with

And yes,
there is an art exhibition coming up:
Asian Civilisation Museum
1st Aug - 31 Aug 2006